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A Story of Unsuccessful Romance: Chapter 1

 I Saw You Across The Classroom I would've never thought that the moment I saw him for the first time across our classroom was the moment that I would remember for the longest time. I was just a 14 year old kid who like pretty people with pretty eyes. Little did I know I would think over him over the years.. I got accepted to one of reputable public high school in my city, barely. My name was at the bottom of selection results, like, the last 5 people who got in to this school. Nevertheless, I was excited, of course. It was my dream to be a student here since it would help me path my way to go to reputable universities in the future. Back then, this school had two special programs, the acceleration program where you could study in high school for two years, and the international program- where you (were supposed to) learn all the subjects in English. I just finished my orientation and I was initially studying at grade X(ten) - 3. My mom, who is a high school teacher herself in anot
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feelings and emotion

2023 is such a rollercoaster ride, while it was mostly screaming fun, I still had a few low moments. Especially now that I am not in Japan anymore. I tried to rationalize what I have been feeling by skimming through journal about re-entry/reverse culture shock. Quoting from Marquette University , re-entry is a common reaction to returning home from studying abroad. I felt sad, melancholic, and frustrated by how I should behave with my coworkers; wondering why I have been feeling down a lot for the past three months. Usually, I would just record video journal as a replacement for this blog/writing, however since it's already late at night and I need to get this out immediately without my sister listening what I am experiencing right now, I thought, "why not going back to my usual blog so I can process what to do or how to behave?" So here I am. After my birthday, which was a couple of days ago, I felt this sudden change of mood. I no longer desire to go on a hiking trip w

romanticising unsuccessful romance

I wasn't sure before, whether to write it here or not, thinking that this story should be kept to myself (and a couple of people) and even if I want to make a memento out of this slice of my life, I should have just wrote it on my private journal. But yeah, I changed my mind. I've been practically sharing my thoughts here over the years, so I kinda want to do a little closure as well. And I don't intend to do a very simple closure like, "So yeah, long story short, I realise he will never reciprocate my feelings (even though I technically never confessed), I can never be with him and I am now officially over him. The End ." No, no. I have spent so many years, invested in this feeling, doing the stupidest things, ignoring the most obvious signs there were, and being delusional that I thought it's a curse that couldn't be helped. Noo, no. It deserves an epic, grande exit that needs my time, dedication, and my rusty storytelling skills to elaborate this story.

What is your dream?

 I need to let this out. Think I've known this for a while, I just chose to forget it but, when my mother retires, she will go and come with me, live with me. In the past, I would've thought, it will be a long time til it happens, my mom's still teaching and it's gonna take years for that to happen. But now, she's gonna retire in 2 years and I'm still not married and there is a huge possibility that I'm gonna move out from Jakarta because the government changes the capital city of this country.  I have always had this thought for a while, I wanted to change nationality since I have no hope from this country. That looks like an easy way out, but when I brought this topic casually to my mom, she declines it, because whom she's gonna live with. She'd rather stay with me, it's an unofficial announcement that I'm the chosen child that will take care of her when she grows old. Look, I am not gonna argue about how that will make you special and you&

22 December 2021

5 years ago, I was at the airport, waiting for my flight back to Jakarta. I wrote about it then, on this blog, how I regretted going back to Jakarta before my birthday and leaving my mom on Indonesian's Mother's Day. Now today, I am at home. Only this afternoon we all gathered in this house. My brother and his wife, my sister and her friend who came to pick her up, and mom and dad. Now, I am the only child at home. My sister went back to Jakarta and my brother, well.. he's with his wife at his in-laws'.  I realize how quiet this house is, without my brother and my sister. Whenever they're here, I tried to make it as noisy as I can so my parents can feel how lively this house is with their children. I would find excuses to bother my sister, or to yell at my brother like we used to do when we were younger. But, they have their own life now. Well, I, have my own life too.    I am supposed to go abroad to continue my study, but my destination country chose to ✨close✨the

Crappy Monday

Hi. I just want to blow off some steam because the 29th of November, 2021 is so crappy I have to write it down to this blog. Today isn't exactly, crappiest from the moment I opened my eyes until the day changed. No. It's just, one thing to another, long story short, I kinda have uncertain departure and a very sloppy classes. For the past few days, omicron variant has been the topic on my twitter following. I thought it was just a tame, mild mutation of this freaking covid. Turns out, it makes countries banning and rising their restrictions again, no exception with my destined country. People were exceptionally noisy in the group chat everywhere, well of course, since it got us worried whether we're still good to go or not. I mean, we have flight ticket and visa on hand, but really, we really can never know the future indeed. The other pain in the ass is this assignment for one of my favourite class. Hecc, it's my favorite class this term. I was interested about the whol

Red

Taylor Swift just re-released and reclaimed her album Red yesterday. A lot of people, including my acquaintances and friends, celebrated this moment. Taylor's battle with her former record label was long and I'm sure it's exhausting. Taylor even advised young, aspiring singers to get a good lawyer if they want to get to the industry. Entertainment world is infamous for its manipulating environment, and it's suffice to say Taylor's battle and win are worth it. But I'm here not to write about her win and how I play her songs over and over again. Her songs are good, well-written, and catchy, but I never entirely relate to her songs, simply because I never experience the painful breakups, or to be in love. I might be delusional for years, but looking back, I think that damn, what the hell was that? I am terrible at being close and vulnerable to someone. I am also bad at being committed, not just to someone, but to anything? Long ago I used to like CN Blue, and I wou